Hi Everybody!

I know, as well as all of you know, that I'm terrible at keeping this thing updated. But I have a good excuse now!

I got my promotion at work! YAY! i'm the cafe SUpervisor now. And It's keeping me super busy. My hours got pulled up, and i have a weird schedule. Mostly mids and closings, so...when i get home all i can think about is bed and Rob. yeah. I'm bad.

Things with Rob are going wonderfully. He'll be moving down here this fall, and we are going to be celebrating our First year anniversary on the 1st of april. Yay for us!

But honestly? things are going wonderful.

Everyone says we're adorable together, and that we're so cute and disgustingly mushy! It's great!

I do wish he would be a bit more agressive sometimes, but he's wonderful either way.

Yes, ishy is very much in love. Miracles never cease to exist it seems :)

other than that? life is good. Family is good, work is good, going on for my raise this april, yay for more money!

um..yeah i think that's all of the wonderful updates. I know lame, but hey, i have a good life now!

-Ishy

Yes, I still live.

I know. i know...boo me. Oh well, Get used to it ;).

Life is good. Rob and I are doing great. Except that I miss him terribly when we're apart. It sucks being so far from each other. :'(

Hopefully we'll be together for a very long time soon. I miss waking up beside him, his arms around me, his hair getting tangled in my hands, his soft breathing and snoring....i just miss him.

I never thought that I would fall in love in this fashion. I'm so sure of us. It's perfect.

The trip in June went wonderful. He met my family (or some of it), and he liked Mexico which was wonderful. He had good food and icecream or so he says he liked it :). And he met my grandparents, which was very important to me. I know my grandma approved. How could she not? well she might have been against his long hair were she still alive to speak outloud, but otherwise i think she liked him :).

My uncles seemed to like him which was good, i think again the hair might have thrown them off a bit, but i love his hair. Its long, and beautiful, and so much fun to play with and tug at.

Overal i thinkt hey all approved of him. At least I haven't heard any bad comments thus far. Just good ones :)

And ofcourse since then, the August trips have also occured.

Sedona was a lot of fun. It was nice being able to be alone with him for so long. Waking up to him every morning and going to sleep in his arms every night. It was wonderful and perfect. Everything was perfect. I can't wait until we move in together for real, it will be wonderful!

Sedona was beautiful, it rained a lot and it was nice to curl up at his side and watch the rain, or a movie, or whatever. it was so wonderful and i cherish those moments in my memory and in my heart.

Vermont was as beautiful as i remember it. Rob made me feel so wonderfully welcome. And we went to the Great Escape in New York which was a LOT of fun. We rode the River Rapids about fifteen times in a row. It was fun! We accidentally got into a roller coaster...and it was a roller coaster in pitch black. or supposedly pitch black. It was fun though...although at first all i could think of was "i'm going to kick rob!" but ofcourse i didn't. It was kind of fun. But rather unexpected. Maybe next time it will be more fun for me :)

We did take lots of pictures of Sedona and some of The Great Escape and Vermont. I'll post some of the pictures once i am able to :), maybe even one of Rob and I. hehe!

I ended up staying with Jarret for a couple of days in Vermont while Rob went to work...Not doing that again. I had somehow thought that things had changed slightly, i was wrong. I sat in the same damned chair for two freakn days doing nothing but watching movies. It was NOT fun.

I think i'd perfer staying with Ruth....or maybe just hiding up in Rob's room while he's at work or something. Or having the chance of driving around or what have you.

I did love the time i spent with Rob in Vermont though. He took me to dinner, for icecream, for a walk, showed me around the place so i got some wicked shots of old houses (i love old houses), and thoroughly spoiled me as much as i would allow. It was very nice.

And i got to ride on boat for the first time! well..technically it was a ferry (howerver you spell it) but it was awsome!

I really can't wait until i am together with Rob again. It's really wonderful.

I can imagine a great future with him. Moving in together, getting married, having children,...growing old at his side, and just traveling and being toghether. I thinkt hat we'll have a wonderful life together. I can't wait!!!

Work is going allright. They're still toying with the supervisor position which is getting frustrated. Maybe i should threaten to quit. It's just arg! frustrating sometimes. If it dosen't change by october, i'm going to start looking for a new job.

Nothing else is really new. Just having a happy wonderful life.

I've let go of a lot over the past couple of years...maybe some of it will come bite me in the ass sometime in the future. Or maybe it will disappear. The past is the past. I'm not there anymore, and i'm not going to look for my life in the past anymore. It's not now. It's not what i live. Things have changed, i have changed. I wish that they have taken the opportunity to change as well, and to live. Most of all to just live. Leave things behind, and live. That's all i wanted for them, and i hope that they have been able to do it. I miss them sometimes. In my darker moments, or in my best moments. I wish i could share things with them. Things i have learned about life, new viewpoints of living. It's a wonderous experience really it is, life is. Maybe it's because i never fully appreciated it, that it now is like a breath of fresh air to have it....

well eitherway, enough of my jabbering. I have tomorrow off, i get to do nothing but sit around in my jammies and maybe read or watch a movie or just do nothing but daydream about the future, which, for once, I am looking forward to. You should too. The bad things disappear if you are willing to see past them to the possibility of better things. And when the bad things come again, they aren't as bad anymore, and they go away easily.

I have found my anchor at last, and i hope i never have to let him go.

I know…I’m getting horrible about writing here. But…well…If you’ve read my stuff before, then you’d know I’m always horrible about keeping up.

Eitherway. New things in my life?

Well..my baby. Mah wonderful, perfect FishyMan.

Yes the April visit went wonderful! Better than I had expected it. We clicked. And We had a great time. He’s returning on June 9th. Eeee!!! This time he’s staying until the 14th, and we’re actually driving down to Mexico with my family for a family reunion. My family reunion anyway. Should be tons of fun and very interesting. We might end up having to curl up under the kitchen table or sleep outside somewhere, but it will be worth it.

I can’t wait!

Life is good. Work sucks. But it’s a good suck. It’s just busy and I am so looking forward to the week I’ve requested for vacation in June. No serving no one coffee…well..maybe my uncles and aunts but that’s different. No having to run around and do my usual duties and then the other projects that they give me.

Just 25 more days!!!

Eeeee!

I can’t wait to see my Fishy again. I can’t wait to kiss him, or to feel his arms around me. I miss him so much, it’s like I have this constant ache in my heart and I can’t get rid of it. –sigh- Long distance stuff is really hard. But I think that we will make it out just fine until the time comes that we get to live in the same state, same city, and hopefully, the same house.

-happy sigh-

Ishy is happily commited. Who would have thunk it?!

Yes...that's right. mah baby is coming to see me in hust 9 short days eeeee!!

And yeah i know i haven't updated, but since my last update, lots of things have happened. One of which is that Ishy is super ishyly happy. and all thanks go to mah baby.

Even though he and i haven't seen each other in years, i feel like i've never been closer to him. Its a strange sensation, and a strange situation...but so far so good no?

We'll know if things will work on the 20th. when he visits. I'm extremely anxious, and nervous, and scared, and just....well i donno.

I'm afraid that he won't find me attractive. That as soon as he sees me, he'll turn right around get on the next flight without a word.

i'm just afraid that this will be a cuase for things not to work out between us...I like him..and even though it hasn't been long, i love him more than i know how to express with words on this diary.

It was unexpected and just amazing, these events were. I'm not sure what will happen, i just know what i hope will happen.

Humanity places such importance on the physice of women. They sell makeup by the barrell to hide facial imperfections (-squeek shudder, squirm.- mah baby just Arred! in my ear -shudder- sexy!), eyeshadow to make eyes more seductive...in otherwords to give society the illlusion of perfection and beauty.

They sell diet pills by the truckfulls because being overweight is not sexy. It is hard to find a bra that fits thru Victoria's Secret because their taret audience are those who wear size 38B, not 40C.

It is disgusting, yet it is life. It is what society has come to be. It pisses me off that Gay men who live in Europe or someplace decide what is hot for women. Makin it near impossible for us plus sized gals to find that cute dress that Naomi campbell wore down the fashion strip or something.

Face it, go to a store and you'll see the mass quantities of clothin that is available for "regular" sized chicks to the minimal quantities that are available to what is considered the "not so regular" sized chiks. It's Disgustin. Especially since the majority of todays society IS overweight and size 5 is not an option.

so yeah...off my soap box. The real issue for me right now...

I hope mah baby finds me attractive, and that he will want to be with me. That he'll accept me in person, just like he accepts me long distance. That our love will live forever. That he'll hold me and kiss me when he sees me at the airport. That he'll say yes and all these fears will float away.

I have found someone that i want to be with...and i don't want to let go. But i might have to....

I guess we'll see...until then, ishy is a nervous wrek. Whose got margaritas?!

So....I have this meeting on Wednesday with a manaer and a sup....Scary stuff. Freaking out all day wondering what the hell it was that i did....It was a very good meeting -nods lots-

I also got my hair done today. Highlights. i've got pictures!!!!

Clicky!!!

the lighting sucks, but it works :)

Let's see....

realization: i am worth more than how i am treated by certain people.

Conclusion: certain people will no longer be in my life.

Assumption: confussion will settle in after ties are severed. well..im confused anyway.

It's a good day for me. bar a bad call from someone that i really didn't want to talk to today. It's been wonderful. maybe it's just me. and maybe it's just getting a messege or two from someone thruought the day..or...well...

I'm happy. My job is going great. School is on the horizon. I have a possibility with someone who cares, long distance...but i don't care. things can be worked out. It's all good.

Life is good. Bar a couple of things. but otherwise it's good.

we'll see in a couple of days, but for now......i think i'll take it.

I tried

God i tired, i tried so hard. I tried till my hands bled. till i couldn't breathe...i tried so hard

its's till not good enough. Nothing i do..nothing i become will ever be good enough.

I struggled with death. I fouht death! i won! i told it it couldnt take me! i tried..My Gods...i tried...

I'm still not good enough. I'll never be good enough.

i believed...i tried. i tried so hard. i gave every bitofme that i could. I begged. I pleaded..i prayed.its not ood enouh.

no matter how much i change to better me.i'm never goin to be good enough.

i'll never be accepted for me.

Ijust wanted to believe. Ijust wanted to be free....i wanted....i wanted.i wanted theimpossible still...

why can't i be good enough?

So i had a friend do tarot reading for me tonight. It was interesting and a bit confussin and slightly unerving.

At least it got the change part right. Flip thru some of my earlier entries and you'll definetly see a change of myself. Self explortion kicks ass.

Well eitherway the jist of it is, that i'll have victory...whatever the hell that means. No clue in what aspect of my life, but apparently it's a comin.

Another friend, Adniel is apparently worried about me. She went on about how its coming its comin!!! eh well...i broke free of the chins, and if i die in a few years, i die. It's life. It's my path. I'm not gonna stress about it, in the meantime. My life is my life. Nobody can run it but me. When the time comes that I'll face the dagger at my throat in the hands of a once friend, then it will come. At this point i can't bring myself to care when my life will end. Like everyone else's it'll end sooner or later.

Right now, I'm happy. Yes i'm frustrted and i want to kick certain people where the sun don't shine, but i'm happy. I feel like a part of me has been liberated these past couple of weeks, And i will be eternally greateful for the person responsible. If we remain as friends or not dosent overly matter, i'm still greateful.

I'm i think, at another crossroads in my life. Where i need to choose where i want to go, and what i need in order to feel fullfilled in my life.

So...if someone i knew say...Kimmie, were in the situation and what have you that i am now, what would i tell her? wht wouldmy advice be?

enjoy it. have fun, enjoy it and if thins get complicate it force him to talk abou it?

or would it be:

tell him exactly what you want and to hell with what he thinks of that. Be true to your emotions and needs.

or would it be

take it easy, see how it oes in a couple of weeks and work from there?

I think part of my problem is that i tend to try to get into peoples heads. Try to understand them better than they understand themselves, try to analzye the thins they do. I try to see what makes them tick, and maybe some people just aret okay with that. Perhaps steppin back....-shruggs- i already have i think....

-flops on the floor-

I donno. I want to just take it easy have fun, learn, explore, and enjoy. What hppens will happen right? I like that philosophy. Buut my problem is i want to know what will happen. I want to predict, i want to make conclusions and see them flourish.

I like to daydream about five years from now. Having a BA or MA finally havin a great job tht i'll love, and havin that someone in my life that makes me all tingly and giggly. And oin home to be tied up for a few hours of kinky sex. That's the daydream. there is no face to the special someone, because givin him a face, would be self deception.

I'm tryin to keep myself emotionally unattatched right now. Because i don't know who that person that will make me all tinglyh will be at this point. It could be person A person B or person Z.

I have been decieved before. And i have been fooled before. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying not to let the past memories cloud the judgment of the present. So far...so good. The past is the past and im not oin to fall for the myths of the past again, souls change over time and this one could be different from the one i knew. I won't be dragged down.

Tho i'll have to admit, a couple of thins DID throw me for a loop...the name, the eyes...woo! slightly freaky if you ask me. I have no intention or desire to repeat my past mistakes. Slow is good, very good. But too slow and i'll have to kick things.

-lol-

I donno, it's almost as if i have to find myself yet again within myself. Urk...

Adniel told me recently that when i have the need to talk thins thru with another person nomatter who, is when i'm really worried about somethin. and she's right. I can't stop worrying. I hate it. but it is a part of me.

I just wish ic ould take a sneak peak at the future without reprucussions....I don't ask for much huh?

-sigh- I guess i'll just have to live the way other mortals do...in the dark, and just living.

i just want to believe that everythin will be okay. That i'll see that daydream fruit into reality. That life will be good and just and that humans will learn their own self worth. I just want to belive that everything every fight, every death, every tear is worth it. Has been worth it, will be worth it.I just want to see the sunset and think "everything is okay now". I want to look down on my hands and see that i am bound by choice to a man that will love me, that i have made a difference in this world, and tha tmy children and their children will make a difference as well. I just want to belive in all the good thins that i was taught while growin up. I want to belivet hat not everyone is a jerk or a mean spirited person. that death and life are respected in their turn, that humanity will shine in the long run. I wantn to belive that I've made him proud. That he's smilin down from above and sayin "tahts my girl." I want to belive that a fight isnt useless. Thata fight is worth somethin, that the casualties are not in vain. I want to believe that everything will be okay someday, and i'll have peace.

Perhaps it is too much to ask...but still i want to belive.

"Come to me, lay your hands over me, even if its a lie, say it will be allright and i shall believe. broken in two, i know you're on to me, but i only come home when i'm so all alone, and i do believe. That not everything's oin to be the way you think it aouht to be, seems like everytime i try to make it right it all comes down on me, please say honestly you won't give up on me, i shall believe. I shall believe...Open the door, show me your face toniht. I know its true, no one heals me like you, you hold the key...Never again, i've done away from you, i'm so heavy toniht, that your love is allright. And i do believe, That not everything's oin to be the way you think it aouht to be, seems like everytime i try to make it right it all comes down on me, please say honestly you won't give up on me, i shall believe. I shall believe...I shll believe....I shall believe....That not everything's oin to be the way you think it aouht to be, seems like everytime i try to make it right it all comes down on me, please say honestly you won't give up on me, i shall believe. I shall believe....i shall believe....i shall believe....please say honestly you wont give up on me...I shall believe....I shall believe....I shall..."

-sheryl crow, i shall believe-

What is wrong with humans now adays?!

Maybe it's just becuase it's been awhile since i've had to deal with people on a more than "hih oware you" basis, but it just seems like humans have developed anuncanny way of keeping people at bay and closing off their feelings.

it's ridiculous!

We're all the same in the end, and we all share the same feelings...so whats wrong with communicating those feelings in order to oh..idon't know...maybe SOLVE a problem sooner than later and before it becomes a bigger problem?

It's not hard to do. Just open your mouth and talk. Wow what a concept. Hard no? would youlike to review?

Open your mouth, and make a noise to form words and jjust say what comes to mind!

Sorry but there is enough stupidity out there without adding bullshit to the mix.

yes, talking can hurt sometimes, but 90% of the time, it can resolve and does resolve something. and usually for the better.

So everyone! Get your heads out of your ass,stop actinglike your five (eventhough imnot sure thats fair, since at least a five year oldwill communicate the basic emotions and thoughts) and start existing. Humans are driven by fear and anger. Most common emotiosn. Fear for somthing causes anxiety, guilt, worry and so on and so forth. Its the fight or flight response that we all live by.

"should i stay and see where this goes?"

"i should run"

"should i talk to my boss?"

"i have to find the cookies!"

Every single action/decision we make is based on fight or flight. really I dare you. Analyze your actions, analyze your decisions. And tell me are they notall based on some sort of fight or flight instinct?

and then think, what is worth fighting for? what isn't?

Nothing stops anyone from having everything, but themselves. Their own fear,their own actions stop us from having what we want. Our own thought of "i cant because this and this" or the "ishoudln't". We create our own road blocks, our own fears, and therefore are forced to react on the fight or flight response.

if you run your whole life, where will that get you? if you fear something, even for the smallest amount of time, what will that accomplish? and more importantly, what will you pass up?

There are things worth conquering the flight response for. things that canbe wonderful, and can change your whole life. change your perception of things, and teach you valuable lessons. Yes, each time you decide tofight, you take a risk. a risk of not finding of what you are looking for (Someone ate all the cookies!!!), of feeling like you learned nothing whenin fact you did, being lonely, and I think what is humanities biggest fear, of being hurt.

I think some risk more than others. Some are willing to take the chance that is too scary, with trembling hands, with trembling lips, with a trembling heart, they take those steps and try to fight for something that could be wonderful. I think these people are the bravest inthe world. Each time they decide to fight for something, they learn sommething inturn, they grow stronger as a person, they understand a bit more. and yeah sometimes they hurt like hell. 9 times out of 10, it is worth it.

so again, why fear? why be frightened? what do you gain by being scared? and what do you loose?

To whomever reads this (if anyone still reads this), really think about it.

You gain nothing by hiding.

and

You gain everything by standing your ground and saying "I will."

There is no s hame in it, there is only possibility.